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All relationships including your friendships with your guy friends need nurturing. Relationships only dwindle if you let them. Question: Would you let your relationship with your wife become like your high school or college buddies?

Do you not make every effort to maintain the communication, closeness, bond and physical contact with your immediate family? Do you allow circumstances or situations to drive your partnership?

Clearly not. I know the story of you and your wife. We choose who we spend our time with and the connections we wish to nurture. Loneliness as they say is a state of mind.

The same way that you would coach a single, strong, successful woman into taking the actions to manifest her MAN. Her Guy. Is truly what you need to do when it comes to finding your BFF.

We recently connected by phone after many years of likes and the odd comment here and there on Facebook and I truly enjoyed the conversation. In fact.

I would welcome a call from you every month. Every week if you wanted to. I like you. I always have. Now, if someone like ME is open to having and developing that kind of relationship with you, I would imagine there are others.

Make it your mission. A new girl crew or their next BFF. Why not stop and actually get to know one of them? Make the extra effort to pay attention and then create the relationship.

As you know Evan, it takes two to tango and someone usually takes the lead. Perhaps you seek friendships where your BFF pursues you.

Calls you. Maintains the contact. Rather than putting that responsibility and obligation on you. My situation is very different. You give so much of yourself to your craft, your passion and GIFT for writing, your love for your wife and family, that your relationship to your already very few guy friends has taken the hit.

I believe you can have exactly the kind of relationship you occasionally crave with a dude whenever you choose it.

Men bonds are inherently different from that of women. One good example of this is the huge gap between discussions of intimacy or sexual practices.

Many exchanges between women, overheard or quoted by a then partner, reach appalling levels of detail. Getting together to watch a game serves a purpose, but a very limited one.

The exchange is innocuous, has little depth or detail, and merely addresses a need for presence.

A veneer of togetherness. Ever heard the saying that true friends can pick up and catch up no matter how much time has elapsed since their last contact?

This can be largely true, but may remain exceedingly superficial. In men, as in women, different personalities define limitations.

Soul-baring is not for everyone. Intellectual analysis is the realm of a few. Go back to The Big Chill. The movie reveals how people used to relate.

The crux of the friendship nucleus may still be there. Shared events, history, views, training, and fondness, or a kind of love.

You feel they went off in the wrong direction or got derailed. A very personal take, often missing MUCH detail.

Tried to do something, and failed? My be held against you. May be just as bad. Achieving neither more nor less than your former peers?

That may please everyone. Thousands of similarly qualified people may get dumped on the sidewalk simultaneously, and other corporations also downsize.

I have the advantage of being multicultural. This is largely reflected in most anglo-saxon spots. Efforts to maintain contact do little to alleviate the problem.

With progressive Americanization, this aspect has taken a serious hit. This aspect also means that we seem to recommend being a fair-weather friend.

Repeated contacts that feel unidirectional? Or never echoed? We do account for differences. One friend will never call. We get together for lunch, the exchange is very open.

There ARE generational differences. Keep in mind that we hear, see, feel, and adequately perceive that people really are more isolated than ever before as they disappear in their chosen virtual reality.

There are reasons. This has been the age group disparity. I have loved. Taken your advice heart and soul. Much of your advice is for younger years.

My peer group of men? If they are monied in any way? At 60? Think they deserve a woman of forty. I am finding the old axiom of nurse or a purse to be prevalent.

It would wreck me. As would disappointment. So I just have stopped dating this last year. Meetup groups changed my life!

This organization is in every city and has every activity you want! So start one! Join one! Participate in one or more….

Meetup groups are better for people who are extroverts. Extroverts need to socialize. I personally know four men in my world…oops…make that five who are lonely.

They are all individual, different backgrounds, good men but are lonely. ALL of them feel the pressure to succeed with work.

All of them liked being with a female but four out of five are single. I know loneliness myself so I try to be supportive. I wish they could see it.

I then realized he suffers from depression and either refuses or is incapable of doing anything to recover. I tried to help, tried to be supportive and loving, but nothing I did was good enough.

He finally sent me divorce papers last week. I totally have seen this and agree that we should reach out to our single male friends.

I think I understand why; it seems to be exhausting for them to create strong bonds with women that they know might pull away a little once the woman finds love.

But it still hurts me when they pull away. All of this to say, the article says to text or reach out to our male friends because chances are no one else has recently, but my question is how do we show friendship and love without a male friend later pulling away?

Now I know this is just case specific and I have tons of male friends that are there no matter what, but there seems to be a threshold regarding the closeness of our friendship.

Thanks for your advice and response in advance! Seems like present-day men could use an updated version of that.

They were sued for not allowing women. Well, that is the point; to have men only. Men are different when women are not around. That is what happened with that.

I have no doubt that there are many lonely women out there, as there are many lonely men. Yet notwithstanding that, I do believe this to be a gendered issue — not so much as to loneliness itself, but rather the reasons WHY a given individual is lonely.

I know many lonely women. Women who never married, whose old friends all married and with whom they now have little in common. Women whose lifestyle diverged from that of their old friends and lost the friendships.

I know many lonely men. Men who lost contact with their old friends, who got busy with their families and jobs, who invested all their emotional capital into their wives and subsequently divorced.

I personally fit into this category, though like Evan, my life is full with my wife, kids, and the broad social network that my wife provides.

But if I were to lose that, I would be very lonely indeed. And all the insight in the world will not change the fact that some fundamental instinct is lacking in me and in the men I know that my wife and all her female friends seem to possess.

An instinct to tend and befriend. Nor am I suggesting that I have it all figured out. One of my oldest and dearest friends told me that she no longer had anything in common with me now that I was divorced.

She felt if we remained friends, her own marriage might suffer. I was puzzled by this odd conversation because our friendship consisted of daily phone calls and getting together for lunch or shopping.

So now, she calls every 3 or 4 months and we catch up for about 20 minutes until the next time she calls. Out of my group of friends that remained, all but two are married.

I have every other weekend to myself. I have every opportunity to make plans and sometimes I do. Yet there are many times I lack the initiative. Moving on to men….

I am absolutely certain you are correct when you say lonely men lack initiative and no doubt there are lots of lonely men.

But what about those men who prioritize their friendships over their marriage and family? I live in the south and a lot of men here love to hunt.

Then deer season ends and quail or duck season or something else begins. Guys who are very extroverted — the ones who were very popular in high school and maintained all their friendships throughout the years and still get together for weekly basketball games 30 years later.

Because for those guys, extroversion is their instinctive behavior — they recharge by being with people. And if they are stressed and need to withdraw, they do it with their friends rather than alone.

Sometimes a guy who looks like he is trying to connect with friends is actually trying to escape his life. And sometimes the guy who lacks initiative to engage with friends does so because engaging with his family takes everything he has.

Answer to all of these questions — because unless we can link un-instinctive behavior to immediate instinctive rewards, most people lack the wherewithal to overcome their inclinations in the long-term.

Did you have male friends in high school and college? Buddies you hung out with before you met your wife? You say you lack the instinct to tend and befriend though from what Evan wrote to Barbara, it sounds like he has the instinct , but did you ever have it?

I work with a lot of middle-aged, married guys and many seem to have no interest in friendship. Their lives revolve around their wives, who act as for lack of a better description their life cruise directors.

Their wives make all the social plans and keep up their social network which sometimes barely involves his family as well as dictate their chores on the weekends.

He barely makes an effort to keep up with his own family, so they get ignored because his wife is not facilitating those relationships for him. I had friends, but not the close type of friendships that Evan described he had.

At every stage of my life I had friends and slowly lost contact with them. Most of the men I know are the same.

The difference is stark. When men are stressed they withdraw. Though it makes me uncomfortable, what would happen if I reached out? A true support system that fought through the stigma men face in demonstrating emotion, in reaching out, in wanting to have friends.

There is so much depression out there that men face, so much that it leads to high rates of suicide. And of course we women will do what we can, but you guys need to take the lead here.

Seems that you guys need to reread the Dependency Paradox in the Attached book. I expect my partner to depend on me in certain ways and for me to provide things for her and I expect that she will do the same.

Also I practice what I preach in my relationships. My boyfriend has many male friends who he had before I came into the picture and who he goes and hangs out with still now.

I too have my own friends who I spend time with and he does likewise. Having some independence and not wholly relying on the other person IS healthy.

Especially when so many men refuse to return it in kind witness YAG for example who utterly refuses to be emotionally supportive in a relationship.

In other words: doing double duty and getting half as much. Well … Jeremy has written extensively about the fact that a man needs a woman to respect and admire him.

For me, personally, I cannot respect someone who requires so much emotionally. I thought I remember you got out and about and were open to meeting new people.

It sounds like you have built a life and hope to add a partner to it. I think you have to create a life that someone else would want to be part of.

Part of that advantage can definitely include having a spouse who brings with them and maintains a social support network that benefits both spouses as individuals.

Social support, in this sense, is just as important of a skill to bring to a marriage as money or social clout. But it can become a huge issue for a man when the marriage splits and the social support system he relied on was something his wife brought into the relationship.

All I meant to say was that most women are more social beings than most men. I wonder if that is how things evolved. When we were out hunting, you guys stayed back and did womanly things together in a tight knit group.

When I was married, one of the very few things that worked out well was that she was the social director for our family. She was better at it than I was and she liked it and it worked.

She did, most of the time. Emily and Callie — I wonder if you might be misunderstanding me or perhaps we just disagree.

Rather, most men rely on their wives to create a social dynamic wherein they will have others on whom to rely. For example, my wife makes Saturday lunch plans with different families, wherein she talks with the ladies, I talk with the men, and the kids talk with the kids.

And what will this mean for men? It will mean that married men will be relatively happy and social, and that divorce will affect men disproportionally on an emotional level.

And that is exactly reality. Callie, I agree that men should take responsibility and try to break through barriers to make their own friends to avoid exactly this issue.

But realize that in spite of making such an effort, many most? Because humans generally suck at predicting what will make themselves happy in the future and tend to fall back on instinct when stressed.

Does that mean you never did anything socially without your wife? If she had female friends, did you always accompany her when she spent time with them?

She sets everything up and puts you in a room with people to interact with. Their only child is grown and on his own which of course gives them more free time than a couple with dependent children.

Sometimes she goes without him. Sometimes she hangs out with her best friend who she met in college and other women from the group without him.

He went out on his own and cultivated. The man who manages the band is his longtime friend from college. She goes to his shows but is not at the rehearsals.

IME, what Jeremy is describing is very common for married men who actually prioritize their families. Although, I absolutely agree with you ladies, I also know that reality has shown me that men seem to either fall into the family man category or the selfish man category.

Take your pick. Woman here. I agree with Scott and Jeremy. It is true in a relationship. I barely have any. None I could really lean on. I have tried, but people seem like they have what they need already.

I am not married no kids. An ex and I shared friends from high school, ten year relationship. He manipulated those friends, it was abusive, I basically lost every friend I had up until that point in my life.

A real big whiner. I decided to let this insulting comment thru just to illustrate the reward for being vulnerable and authentic on my own website.

Thanks for the lesson, Ssarah. Yes, I understand what you are saying. The couple I mentioned are no longer raising children, so their time is more their own.

The assumption that since things are this way they must always be this way is a fallacy. I prefer to look at how all genders and how social structures in general could be improved upon.

After all things have changed vastly even just in 50 years. And btw, I have a guy who hangs with his friends and yet is utterly devoted and committed to spending time with me as well and I am likewise.

There are absolutely things in between. Yes, and that should be doable. You and I are about the same age, Emily, so we are more than likely dating men around the same age; slightly older.

If they have children, more than likely they are grown or close to it. The trick, I think, is to make sure that whoever you get involved with not only has outside friends and interests, but plans on keeping them regardless of how serious the two of you become.

IMO, this directly ties into the post on honesty. These men are being honest here. You should do this instead. You should feel this way.

That was my initial reaction as well. What I mean is that there are lots of people who become a little lonely and have no idea WHY, so they automatically start to blame their spouse, when it has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse.

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